Ask Miss Scarlet: She’s Got a Clue

They say a woman knows if she will sleep with a man within two minutes of meeting him. I say I can help you get a damn good chance.

Hi, I’m Miss Scarlet and I’ll be your guide to all things women. What are they saying? What do they mean? What do they really want from a man? If you stick with me, I will teach you how to communicate well with women and how to create great relationships with them.

Send your questions to AskMissScarlet@BurlesqueScene.com

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not going to help you scam the ladies or cheat on your wife. What I am offering here is advice that will give you insight into what women really want and how you can be the one to give it to them. And as it turns out, a woman who is getting what she really wants can be a VERY good thing to have in your life. A woman who is getting what she really wants is a very loving, very generous, very forgiving woman who won’t mind one bit if you stay out too late with the boys or if you want to try something with her that you saw in a pay per view movie.

Send me your questions, your queries, your concerns and I will help you make your way through the quagmire that is the fairer sex. Let me help you with the hotties, be your guide to the gals, your director of dames. Let me be your coach and I will teach you how to drive it home.

So first things first. I can’t rightly advise you on how to treat a woman if you don’t have a woman, right? So let’s start with basic concepts.

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Step One: The Pick-Up. Do not be fooled, women LOVE to be picked up. We won’t tell you we do but trust me, we do. And not only in bars or clubs, we like to be flirted with at the grocery and the farmer’s market, chatted up at the book store, approached at the parade. It’s the ultimate flattery. It’s saying, “Hey, out of all the other women around, I want you.” Now, it doesn’t work as well if you’re in a crowded place and are seen moving from one gal to the next. Be selective, spot the woman you want the most, and work on her. If she declines, sure you can move on, but you better give it a little while.

OK, so you’ve spotted the woman you absolutely must have. What now? Make eye contact. Let her know you see her and you don’t mind that she knows it. If she holds your eye contact, smiles, looks away and then looks back or any combination of those, you’ve been cleared for your approach. On the other hand, if she looks at you like you have antennae, if she turns to her friends and then they look at you like you have just grown a third arm out of your forehead and they all laugh (not giggle, but laugh), then dude, pretend you were checking out the television/sign/clock over her head and walk away.

Step Two: The Approach. If your intended selection is with her friend or a group, wait. Wait until the friend has put a little distance between the two or until your lady is on the edge of the group. Be direct. It may be old school but “Can I buy you a drink?” is a classic. It is to the point and says, “I would like to get to know you.” If you’re not in a bar/club/restaurant, ad lib, be silly. Women LOVE a guy who doesn’t take himself too seriously. Maybe even replace “drink” with “fabric softener.” (If you’re in a grocery on the fabric softener aisle, that is. Anywhere else and it would be a little strange.) Be funny. It’s true what they say about a sense of humor. I, myself, once dated a young man who was definitely NOT good looking. Why? He was SOOO FUNNY!! Now there’s a point here you will want to be careful of: you want to be funny, you want to be clever but you don’t want to have nothing else to offer. Have a few “for a girl you just met” appropriate jokes up your sleeve, but don’t spend the whole night doing your one man comedy act. Lastly, tell her a secret. Something you can start with the words, “I can’t believe I’m telling you this,” and allow yourself to lean in closer to her. If she leans in too, then she’s as good as yours.

Miss Scarlet has a BA from UNO in Human Behavior and Sexuality and then went on to The University of Texas to pursue her graduate degree in Social Work. As a complicated woman herself, she’s even a bit more of an expert in the area. Miss Scarlet has counseled hundreds of people all over the country and is now back home in New Orleans, a town, she thinks, is the best place anyone could ever call home.

Got a question about relationships, pickups or romance? AskMissScarlet@BurlesqueScene.com