LANIE’S PLACE

Burlesque Scene’s ingenue sophisticate, Lanie Lamarre, journals her out-on-the-town adventures.

I’m experiencing some severe withdrawal symptoms from the cotton candy dependency I acquired this Carnival Season leading up to Mardi Gras. It’s embarrassing to admit but there were some days that it was a two-bag kind of day and those Sugar Highs led me to do some really humiliating things. Let me say it again,

“I am not legally responsible for anything my sugar highs led me to do during Mardi Gras season...”

I realized I’d hit a new personal low at Bacchus: I was crawling along the streetcar line, rifling through St Charles Carnival trash because I had seen – no! really, I *saw* it! – a Drew Brees doubloon thrown into that general direction. The abuse of processed sugar is one thing, but ruining a perfectly good manicure going through rejected beads and empty beer cans is quite another. I became overly preoccupied with the thought that thanks to Drew Brees, I had finally become a full-fledged Mardi Gras junkie.

I’d also become preoccupied with the majorettes.  For years, I’ve drooled over bedazzled spanky pants in storefront windows. I have repeatedly told myself that gold hot pants were meant for long-limbed graceful creatures and not for my Kardashian-esque thighs and rear end. Still, I craved them.

And all the majorettes had them! Long-limbed, well-endowed and cheery-faced, they all sashayed through my Uptown neighborhood like they meant it. What’s more is that their confidence was such that I began to believe that maybe I *could* slap some gold sequins to my rear end, after all…

But I’d want a few Pilates classes first!

It’s not even that I was so delusional as to believe that a couple classes would perfect my tush; it was more about channeling how good I feel about myself – and my rear end – in my yoga pants. Mine are made of a material called luon®, which I believe is Latin for “magical fabric that does things to your fanny that you thought only surgery could achieve.” Lululemon pants are made of this fabric and as I sought to buy a new pair, I found that there was only one single distributor for the entire state!

When Louisiana discovers these pants and what they do to your posterior, Jeremy Shockey will no longer be the most prominent Tight End in town!

Life Yoga Studio isn’t sitting on their backside about showing off theirs off either! Not only are they distributing the line of magical pants but they also want to make sure you’ve got the right moves while you’re wearing them. Back in January, Life Yoga Studio joined forces with New Orleans’ own Fleur de Tease troupe to host a dance workshop where participants could spend a Sunday evening getting in touch with their inner Burlesque Scene Diva.

This was cause for celebration… so I tore into yet another lollipop.  Mmmm! Cherry!

Meanwhile, a close friend told me about Lili’s Vintage Boutique on Magazine, which I will definitely check out next week. Right now, I was busy getting in touch with new ways to get a Sugar High and found that lollipops were a moderately good substitute. With a lollipop stick poking out of my mouth, I skipped to the costume shop down the street from Life Yoga Studio.  Instead of gawking at their displays and fogging up their window the way I usually do, I actually went in and tried on the shiniest, most bedazzled pair of shorts in the store. I still wasn’t long-limbed and I certainly wasn’t the vision of grace but I was sold on buying the pair. Like the majorettes of Carnival, I sashayed down Magazine Street with all the confidence of someone with a rear end made of gold.

Now I’m the proud owner of a Drew Brees doubloon!

I *told* you I saw it! – and I own a pair of the sequined shorts I’ve longed for.  Mardi Gras Season 2010 will go down in history as a great personal success… that is, just as soon as I figure out how to kick this cotton candy habit…

Send a letter to Lanie: Lanie@BurlesqueScene.com .